Drowning.

Sometimes I feel that my food issues amount to an ocean that I'm just drowning in.  It's so much bigger than I can see or even imagine, and it's surrounding me, covering me.  Anytime I feel I've got a hold on it, another wave comes crashing over me.  It seems insurmountable.  I feel like I'm going to spend my entire life fighting this, losing to this.

I don't always feel like that though.  Sometimes, most of the time, if I'm really being honest, I don't even really give much thought to my weight.  I'm just going through my life, thinking about the tasks in front me.  Only occasionally do I face reality and realize what I really look and feel like.  Clothes shopping.  Having my picture taken.  Things like that.  Today, I had to take a monitored test, and I had to take a photo for the test proctors, to be sure no one was coming in and taking my test for me.  I didn't think too much of it.  I took the test, signed my name to a paper saying I would never, ever, ever talk about the test with anyone ever or I would die, ever, and then was led to the computer that had been selected for me.  I sat down, got all my supplies in order, and then looked up at the computer to see this enormous, sallow, fat face staring back at me.  My photo, which I was entirely unprepared to have made, was staring at me.  And I didn't like what I saw.  Is that really what I look like?  Had my face, which in my mirror and mental image still has some definition to it, become so round and fleshy?  I was mortified.  What will it take for me to overcome my weight struggles?  It's not fun anymore.

Until next time,

Hungry.

P.S. McDonalds for first dinner; pizza for second, and final, dinner.

Hungry.

What do I crave?  What am I hungry for?  I'm not starving.  My body has more than enough to sustain itself for days, possibly even weeks.  I don't even remember the last time I felt true hunger, where I felt the emptiness of my stomach, but I use that word several times throughout my day.  Even when I don't feel hunger, I am hungry.  I want.  I crave.  I desire.  But do I need?  This begins my journey to find the answer to that question.

The quest begins,

Hungry.

P.S. Homemade burgers (plural) and fries for dinner.